By the Gods!

Dullahan

A creature from Celtic mythology, the Dullahan is terrible to behold. He appears as a headless horseman, charging around tirelessly on a frightful black steed that shoots sparks and fire from its nostrils. The Dullahan carries his severed head under his arm as he rides, grinning and laughing at your understandably soiled trousers. Often this spirit acts as a herald of death, calling out the names of those about to die. Wherever the Dullahan stops his relentless riding is said to be a spot that someone will soon meet their end. 

If the thought of a decapitated ghost riding around, placing bets on how soon you will kick the bucket makes you want to bar the door and hide from this equestrian evil, I have bad news for you: all locks and gates open at his approach, and any who stop to watch his ride are rewarded with a Carrie-esque dousing from his bucket of blood––and that’s only if he’s feeling charitable! Otherwise, unfortunate onlookers may lose an eye to his vicious whip (which is a human spine, making your loss of vision even more gross).

But all hope is not lost! The Dullahan fears gold above all else, even in small amounts. Those caught on the road at night would do well to carry a golden trinket to discourage the Dullahan’s wrath. This explains famed Celtic-scholar Flava Flav’s ridiculous teeth.

The Tanuki

The Tanuki originate in Japanese folklore as mischievous raccoon-dog creatures with a love of sake. These critters are known for shape-shifting and making a ruckus, but are mostly thought of as kind spirits that bring fertility, financial luck and joy. 

The most distinctive feature of a Tanuki would be his hilariously large testicles. In most artist’s renderings, Tanukis are seen lugging around doo-dads the size of two baby sperm whales (no pun intended).  They use  these gargantuan gonads for every day purposes, whether they need a towboat or to seriously bludgeon a cat fish. There’s even a song about their terrifying tallywags, which goes a little like this:

Tan Tan Tanuki no kintama wa,

Kaze mo nai no ni,

Bura bura

This song loosely translates to : “Tan-tan-tanuki’s testicles, there isn’t even any wind but still go swing-swing-swing.”

Testicles aside, they appeared as Raccon-dogs that walked upright, with large eyes and large tummies. The Tanuki were known for being harmless and productive members of society, who would partake in an occasional sake binge followed by a prank or two. Nowadays they are believed to only present their shape-shifted form to the greater public, so as not to upset the world. Possibly also due to unavoidable dress code mishaps.  

Kurupi

Kurupi is a male fertility spirit and an important figure of Guarani mythology (a South American tribe spread over what is now Brazil). He is a wildman spirit that roams the forests near villages, impregnating the local women in their sleep. He still frequently appears in Brazil’s modern culture. 

Kurupi is a short, dark-skinned wildman. He is said to have an abundance of both hair and ugliness. His most distinctive feature, however, would be his… ahem… impressive appendage. He’s well-endowed to the degree that his doodle is approximately three times longer than his height. Because of his massive member, his fashion sense is questionable. To walk comfortably, he wraps his unit around himself, making a stylish belt.

Kurupi is a frisky fellow that wanders around villages at night, having intercourse with the town’s women in their sleep. He often fornicates without even entering the unconscious woman’s home. He instead throws his prehensile-pecker through the window and does his business. Women who have had intercourse with Kurupi always become pregnant. The babies are said to bear a startling resemblance to their father, baby boys especially. They are often short, hairy and inherit a share of their father’s virility.

Many women use Kurupi as an excuse for adulterous behavior and unwanted pregnancies. Young girls are told the story of Kurupi to scare them into chastity.

Here’s the lesson for all the ladies: before you go to sleep tonight, close your window, and keep a sturdy pair of pants on. It may be uncomfortable, but at least you’re not gonna be preggers with hairy, super-donged little monsters.

Bakus

Have you ever woken up from a scary dream to completely forget it moments after? If so, you may have encountered a Baku, a japanese dream-eating spirit. These little monsters are said to be very lucky to have around and closely resemble malaysian tapirs.

Bakus appear as tapir-like spirits, with long snouts, the claws ‘n paws of a tiger and an overall fuzzy-wuzzy appeal. Though these lil’ critters may not be the cutest spirits around, they are the handiest to keep in the bedroom. They consume the nightmares until the supply runs out, then they wander off to the homes off those that are overly-paranoid or that have just watched “Paranormal Activity”. 

There are other Baku descriptions that contradict the above info, stating that they are more prone to infesting a household. Some say that they horde into a home and eat every dream they find, whether it be a nightmare or otherwise. This thieving of the dreams leaves people dreamless, boring automatons. 

So, to break it down,  Bakus are either dream-eating gluttons or the spirit versions of night-lights. Personally, I’d take a Baku over a build-a-bear any day. No matter how much I love my lil’ Ahuizotl..

Tommyknockers

Tommyknockers are small grizzled mining spirits that originate from irish and welsh folklore. They are said to warn endangered miners of collapsing mine shafts with echoing knocks along the shaft walls (hence the name “Tommyknocker”). They are also said to cause the collapsing mine shafts. Though they may cause the collapses, at least these little critters have the decency to give warning. 

Tommyknockers appear to be little men, ranging from one to two feet tall with frizzled beards and the gruff garb of a miner and they carry the title of trickers.  Though they are known for stealing the occasional tool and loaf of bread, they are thought to be spirits of the neutral good, keeping the miners safe and warning them of collapses. Miners often threw the last chunk of a pastry down the shaft as offerings for the Tommyknockers.

These little people were thought to be the pre-human inhabitants of the Celtic west.  Skilled in the arts of mining and tunnelling, they taught these arts to the British, and eventually fell out of history. These legends may have influenced Tolkien’s concept of the Dwarves, consummate miners and stoneworkers who taught these skills to men.

Tip of the day: If any of you good folk visit a mine, beware of that tappety-tap of the Tommyknocker. 

Mami Wata

The Mami Watas come from West and South Africa, and are inhumanly beautiful water spirits, usually female. They abduct wanderers and travelers and take them to an underwater paradise for a brief stay.

A Mami Wata is an unimaginably beautiful woman (or occasionally a man) with abnormally long, kinky hair, a lighter-than-normal complexion, and a serpent’s tail. If she’s not your dream girl… you must be a normal person. Regardless: a total babe from the torso up. They often carry valued items such as combs, watches, or even large snakes. Nothin’ more valuable than a large snake.

A Mami Wata seduces and beckons travelers towards her river domicile, and if she sees that they are in need of insight, (which is always likely for the traveling type, what with young people today, always “finding themselves”) she takes the journeyer to the underwater spirit world, and it is unknown what happens there. As they say, “what happens in the underwater spirit world stays in the underwater spirit world.” Should she allow them to leave, these travelers end up more successful, beautiful and easy going, likely due to a new understanding of their spiritual connections.