By the Gods!

The Twelfth Labour of Heracles: Part Two

With the go-ahead from Hades, Heracles squared off against the beast Cerberus. Heracles was allowed no weapons so he was faced with the problem of getting close to the beast, whose three heads (and optional snake heads) put Heracles on the defensive. The monstrous creature made a lunge at Heracles, who countered with a right-jab worthy of a “Rocky III” freeze frame ending (see above). Heracles pressed his advantage while Cerberus was momentarily dazed, and scrambled onto it’s back and deployed a sleeper-hold so mighty, that he was able to put all three heads down in one go.

Tired and presumably covered in bite marks, Heracles trudged back to the land of the living with Cerberus slung over his shoulder. By the time Heracles made it back to the court of King Eurystheus, Cerberus had revived and began scaring the bajeezus out of everybody. Eurystheus was so terrified by the monster in front of him that he jumped into the nearest man-sized vase, from which he told Heracles he was dismissed from his service providing he removed the homicidal hellhound first. 

Epilogue

Then just like that, Heracles was free! He could roam the land having his own adventures! In some modern myths he lived on to help (or wrestle) modern super heroes, but for those of you who need more closure than that, here is the tale of how our boy Heracles shuffled off his mortal coil. 

Later, Heracles had taken a new wife Deianeira who was worried she was losing the interest of her husband. She had in her possession the blood-stained tunic of a centaur that Heracles had killed with his hydra-arrows, with his final breath the centaur Nessus told Deianeira that his shirt would “excite the attentions of her husband”. Deianeira was apparently desperate enough to try anything at this point, so she sent the gore-tastic aphrodisiac to her husband. Being such a fan of murder, Heracles accepts the gift but when he puts it on he discovered that the centaur’s blood still carried the poison of the hydra from his arrows, and it burned him terribly.

Heracles took revenge upon the poor bastard, Lichas that delivered the gift by throwing him into the sea. Nowhere does it mention him being on a beach when he receives this gift, so we are left to imagine Heracles hurling this man off into the distance while he yells: “Looks like team-Lichas is blasting off agaaaaaaaain!”

Unable to remove the acidic garment, Heracles uprooted nearby trees and built himself a funeral pyre. Nobody wanted to see Heracles go out like this, and no one would light the fire until a passing shepherd Poeas offered to finally put Heracles our of his misery. Heracles gave him his bow and hydra arrows in gratitude, and dove onto the balefire. Of course being a demigod, the immortal part of Heracles could not be destroyed and his father Zeus raised him up to mount Olympus, where even now he watches over the strong, the courageous, and the oiled macho-types.

The Twelfth Labour of Heracles: Part one

With the twelfth and final labour, King Eurystheus had one last shot to have Heracles killed. This time he decided, he would cut out the middleman and make traveling to Hades (the land of the dead) part of the job. Heracles was instructed to find his way into Hades, and bring back Cerberus alive. If that sounds too simple compared to some of the other labours, let’s get into the nitty-gritty details of why this was a suicide mission. 

First of all, the realm of the deceased was built to make sure no one escapes, or enters before their time has come. There are monsters, tons of spooky ghosts, and a god (Zeus’ brother Hades) whose sole purpose is to stop living chumps like Heracles from running amuck down there.

The second reason the twelfth labour would not go smoothly is Cerberus himself. Cerberus is a giant three-headed dog (In some versions he’s also covered in snake heads) that is the eternal guardian of Hades, and son of Typhon. Remember who Typhon was? The giant terrible beast specifically designed to waste Zeus? Heracles fighting Cerberus is like round two of a generational grudge match between Olympus and super scary monsters. Lastly, because Eurystheus saw how awesome Heracles was with his club, and how handy his hydra-arrows had been, Heracles was forced to fight barehanded. 

Despite those ridiculous odds, Heracles ventured forth. However, instead of just making a beeline to Hades swinging his fists, Heracles first took the time to learn about the Eleusinian Mysteries. The mysteries were sacred religious rites that celebrated the story of Demeter and her daughter Persephone, and believed they knew the secret to happiness in the underworld. Heracles completed some mild hazing, was absolved of murdering all those centaurs from a previous labour and was ready to tackle Cerberus on his own turf.

After finding the entrance to the underworld Heracles tried to assist the tormented souls of past heroes, but was for the most part unsuccessful, he was forced to hurry on to accomplish his own goal. Then Heracles encountered the lord of the underworld himself, and he asked Hades’ permission to wrassle’ his doggie.

“You came here while you still live to fight Cerberus, the terrifying murder-hound, that eats people like they were  kibblz & bitz, with nothing but your hands?”

“Yeah that’s pretty much it.”

“That’s a great plan. I feel good about this. Assuming you live (and you won’t) and you promise to bring Cerby back when you’re done, I have no beef with you.”

                      Catch the exciting conclusion next time on By The Gods!

The Eleventh Labour of Heracles

Originally Heracles had only been set ten labours as penance for killing his children, but because King Eurystheus was kind of a dick, he said that by receiving help killing the hydra and having the rivers clean out the Augean stables for him, that Heracles must submit to two additional tasks. Tasks that were so dangerous that King Eurystheus was almost guaranteed to get Heracles killed in the process.

As a wedding gift to Hera, Gaia gave her a tree that bore golden apples that gave eternal life to those who ate them. As far as wedding gifts go, that one kind of outshone the piles of toasters, wine glasses and his-and-hers towels they were sure to have received. Hera had it put in the garden of the Hesperides farther west than the setting sun on the slopes of Mt. Atlas to keep it out of harms way. 

To find the way there Heracles needed knowledge from the old man of the sea, Nereus. Nereus shows up in Greek mythology from time to time as an old man who needs help crossing a stream. When a helpful traveler comes along and offers him a piggy-back ride to the other side, Nereus refuses to let go until the good Samaritan dies from exhaustion and incessant nagging. You can imagine how great his people skills were. In a sweet turnabout, Heracles snuck up on Nereus while he slept, and jumped on his back. Nereus realized how not-funny that was when it happened to him, and tried changing his form rapidly to shake Heracles off, but Heracles’ super strength allowed him to hold on until Nereus finally yelled:

“Ow ow ow! Go west! Like, really far west. Pass the sun, and keep going until you see a giant dude holding up the heavens. You can’t miss it.” 

“Simple enough” Thought Heracles, and down he jumped from the old man’s back and went on his merry way.

Along with the Hesperides (daughters of Atlas) who tended the garden there was also a giant snake that stood guard at the base of the golden apple tree. As fun as fighting that snake and murdering the Hesperides would’ve been, Heracles didn’t go to the garden first, he climbed the mountain to where he could talk to Atlas. Heracles offered to take up Atlas’ burden for a while if he would fetch the apples for him.

“My daughters would give me the apples, but that snake would totally kill me.”

“That thing?” Heracles replied. “No problem. Hydra-arrow!” Heracles shot his bow from the mountaintop, and the arrow sailed down into the garden.

“Wow, that’s a dead-ass snake. Okay, one order of golden apples coming up!”

Heracles shouldered the sky for what probably felt like a really long time before Atlas came back with a spring in his step, and apples in his hands. At this point Atlas was stoked to be able to move again, and he told Heracles that he could just take the apples back to Eurystheus himself. Heracles did not like that idea. He quickly thought up his new plan.

“Hmm… Alright Atlas, you can do that, but before you go, my Invincible-Lion cloak is all twisted under this heavy sky. Can you hold the heavens for a second while I adjust it?” Atlas resumed his old position and took the weight of the world off Heracles’ shoulders.

“You’re gonna take this back now right?”

“Yeah. I think I’m just gonna go.”

“Zeus-damnit.”

Heracles gathered up the apples and headed back to Eurystheus’ kingdom with only one more labour to go.

The Tenth Labour of Heracles

The tenth Labour was something of a doozie. Heracles was to retrieve the cattle of Geryon, an ill-tempered dude that had three heads, six arms and six legs. Which if you think about it, makes him essentially three best buds that go everywhere together. 

However, before he could even get to Geryon’s ranch on the island of Erythia, Heracles had to cross the Libyan desert and to commemorate his trip he decided to build two mountains. Gotta love that about Heracles: a post-card isn’t enough to remember his trip to Libya, he has to drastically alter the earth’s crust. 

The next little trek through the Libyan desert was so hot, that Heracles shot an arrow at the sun in frustration. The sun god Helios thought that was hilarious. He took pity on Heracles by lending him his golden goblet that he used to sail across the sea from West to East every night. With his fantastical new boat Heracles was able to complete his trip to Erythia.

Almost immediately after he landed he was confronted by Geryon’s two-headed dog Orthrus and before you could say “Ruh-roh” Heracles bashed the dog’s face in with his club. The herdsman Eurytion came to help out, and Heracles really got into a groove by earning his second (recorded) club-kill that day. Geryon saw his dog and cowboy/farmhand get squished like watermelons in Gallagher’s comedy act, and went into a murderous rage! He picked up his three shields, three spears and three helmets, and tore into Heracles like a ridiculous whirlwind. Geryon was descended from the titans, and was no slouch on the battlefield. He could outflank Heracles just by standing next to him, and he was a shield wall unto himself. Heracles couldn’t break his enemy’s guard so he faded back, and fired one of his hydra arrows deep into Geryon’s middle head.

Unfortunately for Heracles, murdering all the inhabitants of Erythia wasn’t the end of his hardships. Hera sent a flood and a really annoying gadfly that scattered the stolen cattle, and it took Heracles almost a full year to gather them back up and bring them to King Eurystheus. 

I’m willing to bet that Helios wasn’t too stoked about having his sun-boat returned smelling like cow either.

The Ninth Labour of Heracles

What could be worse than being obligated to accomplish suicidal tasks for an unstable king who wants nothing more than to dance la cucaracha on your grave? Having to go shopping for his teenage daughter. That’s just insulting.

King Eurystheus’ daughter Admete had it in her mind that she needed to accessorize, and she had her eye on Hippolyte’s girdle. It’s not clear why she wanted it exactly, it might have been because it was a gift from Ares that marked Hippolyte as queen of the Amazons, or maybe it just went with her new sandals. Eurystheus was not about to go ask the proud Amazon for it himself, so he made it Heracles’ ninth labour. 

Despite the demeaning nature of his errand, Heracles must have been pretty pleased. This was a nice change of pace from man-eating horses and cow feces. “What’s that Eurystheus? You don’t want me to bring you back a ridiculous monster? You want me to go undress a woman? You’re the boss!”

When Heracles put in at the harbour of Themiscyra, Hippolyte herself was there to meet him and inquired after his purpose. The story goes that she was actually so intrigued by Heracles’ bodacious demigod-bod and stylish lion skin that she gave him the girdle without a fight. Meanwhile the goddess Hera had seen how many high fives Heracles’ bros bestowed on him for obtaining the queenly garment, and disguised herself as an Amazon to spoil his fun. She spread a rumour that Heracles was here to kidnap the queen, and that stirred up the Amazons something fierce. Heracles saw the advancing warriors and believed that Hippolyte had betrayed him, which left him only one choice really: Kill Hippolyte before hearing her side of the story, kill the Amazons, and take the girdle back to Admete. 

Another happy ending for Heracles, wrapped up with his favourite moral: “Murder solves everything.”

The Eighth Labour of Heracles

For his next task, King Eurystheus commanded Heracles to steal the infamous mares of Diomedes. Diomedes was the king of Thrace and a son of Ares the god of war, and if that isn’t enough to convince you that he was a badass, he was also a giant. Giants are renowned in almost every culture due to their penchant for excessive violence.

Heracles took a few volunteers with him and tried to sneak away with the four horses before Diomedes noticed them, but he was missing some critical info about his targets. Like the fact that they could breath fire for instance. Or the fact that they ate flesh and were bat-shit crazy. It was probably one of those happy little surprises that raised the alarm. Diomedes gave chase, and Heracles turned to face the giant king, leaving the care of the homicidal broncos in the capable hands of his buddy Abderus. That poor bastard.

Heracles had Diomedes beat, but while he wasn’t looking Abderus was eaten (probably after being burned and kicked a few times by the sadistic nags). In an act of rage induced vengeance worthy of Uma Thurman, Heracles fed Diomedes to his insatiable pet ponies, which was apparently gross/poetic enough to finally calm them down a bit. Before heading back to King Eurystheus with his equestrian prize, Heracles took the time to found the town of Abderba as a solid for his fallen fellow horse thief.

When Heracles returned with the mares, Eurystheus was understandably hesitant about keeping them around. He ordered the horses taken to Olympus to be sacrificed to Zeus, but even the king of the gods didn’t want any of that noise. Where you or I might discreetly return an unwanted gift for store credit, Zeus has no qualms about letting you know how he feels about a crappy present. He sent wolves, bears, and lions to murder those horses. Probably along with a note that uninvited Eurystheus from all his future birthday parties, too.  

The Seventh Labour of Heracles

“Ummm we’ve done a lion, a hydra, a deer, a boar, some cows, some birds… A bull? Has he fought a bull yet? I bet he can’t do that.” This is the most probable thought process of King Eurystheus when he was deciding what the seventh labour of Heracles would be. After his six previous death-defying tasks, capturing the Cretan bull must have come close to boring Heracles. With all the prime monsters roaming around Greek mythology, a regular bullfight feels uninspired.

Heracles sailed to Crete and demonstrated his heroic manners by asking King Minos (A man with a poor history of bull-human relations) if he could please take the rampaging beastie away. Minos was more than happy to have Heracles tackle his problem by the horns, and gave him the go-ahead in what turned out to be one of Heracles’ most uneventful fights ever.

In some versions of the tale Heracles wrangles the bull with a plain old lasso (not even a magical one like Wonder Woman’s) and rides it all the way back to King Eurystheus. In other descriptions of the tale, he goes all Sam Fisher on it, sneaking up from behind and taking it down with a sleeper hold. In the end, however, the bull comes out on top. Eurystheus wanted to sacrifice the bull to Hera, but she shot that idea down because she believed it would reflect glory on Heracles, so the bull was set free to wander the land. So Heracles was done with one more labour, and ol’ Ferdinand eventually found his way to Marathon where he became known as the Marathonian Bull.

The saddest part of the story? The Greeks’ inability to find a better name for the Cretan/Marathonian bull. Those were just places he lived, and that’s lazy nicknaming.

The Sixth Labour of Heracles

Much like the fifth labour with the stables, Heracles’ next task also sounds like ordinary chores for a farmhand. This time around King Eurystheus told Heracles to get rid of the birds nested around the town of Stympholos. Of course there’s always a catch for poor Heracles, and the reason the Stymphalian people couldn’t just rely on some scarecrows was that the Stymphalian birds were able to shoot their feathers like spears, making them fairly proficient at murder.

Athena really gets the M.V.P. award on this labour, though. She saw that Heracles was in a jam and being a goddess of wisdom, she thought “Know what he needs? Magic castanets.” Mortals like you or I may wonder how that would help with a flock of man-eating, spear-feathered birds, but obviously that’s why no one ever made us gods/goddesses of anything.

Using the bronze krotala (castanets) forged by Hephaestus himself, Heracles scared the Stymphalian birds from their roosts, and from his safe vantage point he shot them down with his hydra-arrows. There’s no authority on what Heracles did with the flock of dead birds, but I bet the results were delicious.

The Fifth Labour of Heracles

Try and understand King Eurystheus’ dilemma. He wanted Heracles dead or at the very least, humiliated. Every time he schemed up a new labour, he would put Heracles in a position of great peril, and when Heracles eventually overcame that obstacle he would win greater fame and glory for it. So for the fifth labour, King Eurystheus ordered Heracles to clean out the Augean stables in a single day. That way even if he was successful (which seemed impossible) he would still look like shit! *insert rimshot noise here*

The Augean stables housed the single greatest number of cattle in the country, and the cows also happened to be immortal. This might sound cool at first, considering a limitless supply of milk and beef products, but in this case, being immortal also means a godly amount of poop. Poop that had not been cleaned in over thirty years since King Augeas had been an argonaut.

Even with his demi-god strength Heracles would’ve needed a magical shovel or an army of sanitation workers to clean the stables by hand. He decided to think outside the box on this one, and actually diverted the rivers Alpheus and Peneus to wash the stables clean for him.

Despite having lemony fresh stables, King Augeas was pissed. He had promised Heracles one tenth of his cattle if the task was finished in a single day, and he refused to honour that agreement on the grounds that it was the rivers that had cleaned the stables, not Heracles. Heracles listened to King Augeas whine for maybe two seconds before he went Steven Segal on the guy, and took his god-cows back to King Eurystheus to await his next task.

The Fourth Labour of Heracles

The fourth task for Heracles was to capture the Erymanthian boar. This was like a breath of fresh air for our hero, because the boar had no tricks or magic of its own, it was just a big, strong and pointy animal. Heracles knew his super strength would be enough to complete his task, so he decided to take a break and chill with his centaur buddy Pholus.

Pholus knew how to throw a party. He had stashed away a jar of wine from Dionysus the god of wine, and once he popped the jar’s top, the fun would not stop like it was a Pringles commercial from the 90’s. The immortal centaur Chiron came as well, and before the party got too out of hand, he suggested to Heracles that he drive the Erymanthian boar into thick snow to tire it out first.

Now it’s not clear how it happened, but at some point during the night, things got out of hand. The centaurs were totally wasted, and apparently spoiling for a fight. One can only imagine that upon realizing that they were unable to keg-stand like Heracles, they attacked him in a jealous rage. This proved to be unwise, as Heracles had some brand new poison arrows from his run in with the hydra, and he was perhaps a little too willing to use them.

Heracles awoke amid piles of discarded plastic cups and dead centaurs, but retained the imparted wisdom of Chiron, and quickly retrieved the boar for King Eurystheus (who was actually too afraid of the boar to keep it) without suffering any injury more severe than the mother of all hangovers.