By the Gods!
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Balor
The Irish Cyclops Balor was a one-eyed god of death, and the most formidable of the Fomorii––you remember them, right? The violent and monstrous sea gods who ruled Ireland before the arrival of the Tuatha De Danann, the “nicer” gods and goddesses.
So dreadful was the one eye of Balor that he destroyed whoever he looked upon, and his eyelid had to be levered up by four servants. It was prophesied that he would be slain by his own grandson, as is often the case with gods and their inconvenient yet inexorable prophecies. He stowed his daughter Ethlinn in a crystal tower on Tory Island, but a determined young god named Cian made it up to provide her with some bonafide lovin’.
Balor found out that his daughter had popped out three sons, and ordered them drowned. The servants wrapped the boys up in a sheet, but on the way to the whirlpool, one of the boys fell out, unnoticed. That boy was Lugh, the sun-god-to-be. He was taken to Manannan Mac Lir, the god of the sea, and fostered. Once he was grown, Mac Lir took him to a major battle against the Fomorii. Balor wreaked havoc on the Tuatha De Danann with his lethal gaze, but eventually Lugh crept near him with a magic slingshot, taking advantage of Balor’s weariness in a moment when his eye was closed. As soon as that ugly eyeball opened up again, Lugh fired a shot into it, and it hit so hard that Balor’s eye was blown backward through his head, and all the Fomorii behind him suffered the power of its stare. The Fomorii, in losing this battle, were driven from Ireland forever.
Perseus
Time to roll out yet another son of Zeus (too many to count). Today’s pleasure: the mighty Perseus! Obviously the bolt-slinger was the father, but the mother of Perseus, Danae (a mortal princess) was a tough prize for old Zeusie to get at. Acrisius, king of Argos and father of Danae, had shut his daughter up in a bronze tower to avoid a prophecy suggesting her son would be his end. If there’s one lesson we should take away from Greek Myth, however, it’s that nothing can stop a horny Zeus. He visited her through a ceiling grate in the form of a golden shower, and knocked her up no problem. When lil’ Perseus popped out, a terrified Acrisius shut mother and son in a wooden chest and cast it on the sea, but the protection of Zeus was enough to bring them safely to Seriphos, where Perseus grew up among fishermen. Good, simple folk.
Once he was a grown-ass man, Perseus was tasked by the local ruler, Polydectes, to fetch the head of the Gorgon Medusa. For those who professed to crave continued life, this was a bad deal. Perseus learned from the Graiae, three old hags, all about Medusa: that she could turn you to stone with her eyes, and that she was an all-around ass-butt, besides. Luckily for P-man, Athena hated Medusa more than most, and offered her assistance. Perseus was hooked up with a cap of invisibility, winged shoes from Hermes, and a bag for the gorgon’s head. Using his shield’s reflection to track her movements, Perseus cut Medusa’s ugly ol’ head off, and put it in the legendary sack.
The magic head and magic sack were put to good use on his trip home, helping save the beautiful Andromeda from a sea monster, and turning a few jerks to stone who stood in Perseus’ way. He and Andromeda then returned to Danae, gave the magic gear back to Hermes, and got hitched. Poor old Acrisius, still in a constant state of fear-induced-diarrhea, eventually saw the prophecy fulfilled when a disc thrown by Perseus during a competition flew wide and beaned him in the head, killing him.
Athena placed both Perseus and Andromeda in the sky as constellations after their deaths, in honour of their exploits.
Galahad
When it came to purity, nobody in Arthurian Myth held a candle to Sir Galahad. One of the younger Knights of Arthur’s group, Galahad was the son of the renowned Lancelot. From the beginning of Galahad’s manhood, it was made clear that he was without blemish. Twelve nuns demanded that he was made a Knight of Arthur’s court, for as they saw it, there was “no man more deserving of the order of knighthood.” As soon as Galahad took his place at the Round Table, the presence of the Holy Grail was felt by all the knights of Camelot.
The quest for the Grail was an important preoccupation of the Round Table. One of the seats was always left vacant, as it was the rightful place reserved for the knight who would find the Grail. Until Galahad sat there, (sorry for the spoiler) no knight had earned the right to occupy the seat without being instantly swallowed by the earth.
The Grail provided the knights with a feast, though none of them saw it. Sir Gawain vowed to find it to see it for himself, and most of the knights made similar vows, though King Arthur tried to dissuade them from these perilous journeys. Galahad went in the company of Sir Percival and Sir Bors. After getting a tip from Joseph of Arimathea and restoring a Maimed King with a magic spear, Galahad saw the Grail in a vision. Years went by, and many miracles occurred, but eventually Joseph returned. He allowed Galahad to hold the Grail for a few moments, and as Galahad knelt down to pray for his deliverance, his soul was suddenly released from his body and “a great multitude of angels bore it up to heaven.”
Sure, it’s instant death, but this was the greatest Christian reward available. Galahad was guaranteed to live in the next life in the constant presence of Christ.
Percival
Also known as Perceval or Parsifal in different traditions, Percival was, in later Arthurian mythology (of the Christian variety) somewhat of an outsider. He was brought up in a forest, far from the court of Camelot, and was ignorant of courtly manners. Nonetheless, Arthur eventually made him a Knight of the Round Table, and our boy Percy set off in pursuit of the Holy Grail, the end-all goal of many Arthurian tales.
The Grail was the holy vessel used at the Last Supper by Jesus of Nazareth, and received the blood that flowed from the spear wound in Christ’s side during the crucifixion. It had been brought to Britain by Joseph of Arimathea, the rich man who had allowed Christ’s body to be placed in his tomb. It got lost in Britain, and the Knights of the Round Table spent a good amount of time in hot pursuit of it.
Percival was all about purity. He wasn’t quite as pure as Galahad (Lancelot’s son) would prove to be, but he was easily the silver-medal winner in the purity contest. On his personal Grail quest, Percival encountered a mysterious ship, and at once fell in love with the beautiful lady who owned it. They were just about to get busy, but he glanced at the cross on the pommel of his sword, and it reminded him of his knightly duty to be a good Christian dude. He made the sign of the cross on his forehead, and the boat turned into a black cloud of smoke, as the enchantress started screaming and running away, the water around her burning. She a demon, Percival. So upset with himself for this moral lapse, he wounded himself in the thigh. You’re too hard on yourself, Percy.
Though he caught a glimpse of the Grail, he proved not quite pure enough to attain it. THIS close, though.
Many of the Percival stories were adapted from the Welsh myths of Peredur.
Peredur
In Welsh mythology, Peredur was the seventh son of Evrawg and the only surviving male. Perhaps you’ve heard of Percival, a Knight of Arthur’s Round Table? He’s the guy that’s pictured above (it’s tough to find a picture of Peredur). Well, he’s an adapted version of good ol’ Peredur, a 5th-century Welsh hero in the retinue of the original Arthur. We’ll talk more about Percival and his Christian questing later on; for now, back to Peredur.
To cut to the chase, he was renowned as an incredible warrior. He was particularly adept at taking on witches. Peredur: Witch-Hunter. In Peredur’s day, witches were female warriors who took the field attired in full armour, and used the power of the gods alongside their grim arms and armour. The myth of Peredur, as it is told in the Mabinogion ends with a terrible duel between him and a leader of the witches:
“For the third time the hag slew a man of Arthur’s before Peredur’s eyes, and Peredur drew his sword and smote the witch on the crest of her helmet so that the helmet and all the armour were split into two. And she raised a shout, and ordered the rest of the witches to flee, and said it was Peredur who was destined to slay all the witches of Caer Loyw.”
The feats of Peredur would form the basis for those of Percival, who we’ll discuss later.
Thetis and Peleus
Thetis was a water nymph and one of the Nereids, those nifty shape-shifting sea thingies. Thetis, like everything else with a vagina, was sought after by ol’ lustful Zeus, but Poseidon also wanted to get in on the action! However, like all Greek women, seemingly, there was a prophecy about her kid being stronger than its father. To avoid a possible usurping, Zeus and Poseidon decided to marry her off to a mortal, Peleus. Peleus was all “cha-ching!”, but Thetis was all “dammit,” though she eventually consented to the wedding.
All the gods were invited to the wedding except Eris. “But why?!” you ask? “What’d she do!?” Calm down and I’ll tell you. She’s the goddess of discord, you see, so to avoid trouble on the big day, the planners thought it best to shun the embodiment of trouble, disunion, and stuff-not-going-to-plan. Did it work? In a word, no. She came anyway (Oh, snap) and as you might’ve guessed, brought discord with her. When she arrived she brought with her a golden apple which said “for the fairest” on it. Athena, Hera and Aphrodite all clamed ownership of the Apple. I think the fairest thing to have done would have been to give it to the bride, but that’s just me. This isn’t about me. Anyway, Zeus, being wise, decided not to choose which goddess got the apple, knowing he’d be hosed no matter what he did, so once again he picked a puny mortal to do the dirty work. Who’d Zeus give the decision-making powers to? Paris!
The goddesses all tried to win Paris’ favour to grease the wheels of decision-making: Hera offered him rule of all Europe and Asia, Athena offered him skill in battle unsurpassed by any on Earth and eternal wisdom, but Aphrodite offered him the most beautiful woman on Earth, Helen of Sparta (soon to be Helen of Troy). Paris skipped over to Sparta to pick up/sort-of-kidnap Helen and bring her back to Troy, infuriating Menelaus, Helen’s husband, and kicking off the Trojan War.
Sigurd
The Norse ultra-hero, often equated with Arthur of Celtic renown, was more familiarly known as Siegfried in German. The Völsunga Saga tells Sigurd’s tragic story, and is one of the key pieces of Germanic pagan literature surviving today. His foster-father, Regin, a renowned smith, sent Sigurd on an errand to recover a fabulous hoard of gold that was now in the keeping of Regin’s brother, Fafnir, who had turned himself into a dragon to protect it. The gold itself had been cursed in the affairs of the gods and dwarves years before, and whoever held the hoard was doomed to a tragic end.
Sigurd’s biological father, Sigmund, was an incredible badass. He died in battle when he attacked a disguised Odin (it’s Odin, after all) and his sword was shattered. Regin eventually took the shards of Sigmund’s sword and forged the sword Gram, so sharp it could cut straight through an anvil. Sigurd took this sword, and used it to pierce the armour of Fafnir the dragon. Sigurd then roasted the creature’s heart, and by licking the blood he learned the language of birds. What would you have done with a dragon’s heart?
The rest of Sigurd’s saga is a tragic affair of misunderstandings and romantic treachery involving his love, Brynhild the shieldmaiden, and Gudrun, daughter of a Burgundian King. It’s a messy affair, with an ending a lá Romeo & Juliet. For those of you who’ve noticed some stark comparisons to Tolkien’s work––what with the dragon-guarded treasure, the shattered sword restored to the son, and the lustful, corrupting power that dwells within said treasure, just to name a few similarities––you are right on the mark, as Tolkien had great love for Norse mythology, and all things Anglo-Saxon.
Cassandra
Cassandra was the daughter of Priam (King of Troy at the time of the Trojan War) and had the gift of foresight. Trouble with prophets is that the line between “false prophet” and “prophet” is near invisible, and no one paid her soothsayings much mind. So, even though she told her mother, father and family about the evils that were about to befall the city of Troy (thanks to Paris’ stupidity) no one believed her. Some say that Apollo was entranced by her beauty and bestowed upon her the gift of foresight, others say she fell asleep in Apollo’s temple one night and snakes licked her ears clean so she could hear the future. I can’t decide whether or not to be turned on by that.
Cassandra did not return Apollo’s love, (and as we all know, spurning the Greek gods is always a good idea) and so he cursed her so that no one would believe her prophecies. Apparently this curse was achieved by Apollo spitting in her mouth. That’s cold.
After the war, Cassandra was abducted and raped by Ajax the lesser, and then taken away to be Agamemnon’s concubine. When the pair returned to Mycenae, Clytemnestra (Agamemnon’s wife) and Aegisthus (Agamemnon’s nephew/cousin—the family tree gets a little messy) killed them both. Rotten luck; it all could have been avoided if Cassandra had returned Apollo’s love. A pity her foresight was so selective, or she could’ve avoided all that mess.
Helen
Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships. Heard of her? Of course you have. Like most Greek characters with defining attributes, Helen was the daughter of a god and a mortal: Zeus and Leda. Leda had the pleasure of fornication with a Zeus in swan-form. She then produced an egg, and Helen was hatched. Don’t you just love the Greeks?!
Like all good damsels, Helen was susceptible to abduction at a young age. Theseus and Pirithous had the brilliant idea that, because they were semi-divin,e their wives should be, too. Pirithous set his sights on Persephone, but a goddess wasn’t about to mar condescend quite that far down. Theseus, who set his sights on a slightly more attainable prize, managed to grab Helen and left her with his mother Aethra. While Theseus and Pirithous were in the underworld trying to capture the Hades’ Queen, Helen’s brothers Castor and Pollux rescued her and captured Aethra in vengeance. Some say at this time Helen was 7-10 years old, however with Theseus, Helen gave birth to Iphigeneia. So maybe she was a touch older, like 13-15. If not, gross, Theseus.
After that, it was time for merry men from all over to come and seek the hand of beautiful Helen. Menelaus sent Agamemnon to represent him, and Odysseus put his name in the ring, but brought no gift as he did not believe he could win her hand (that, and he was jonesin’ for Icarius’s daughter Penelope). Helen’s daddy was afraid to pick anyone ‘cause he didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings (is anyone else noticing a theme of wussiness when it comes to the stories surrounding the Trojan War?); I suppose it’s also possible that he feared the repercussions of denying powerful men. Odysseus came up with the idea that all suitors pledge allegiance to the winner. Menelaus was chosen, and now you know why everyone went to war with Troy over the kidnapping of Helen: They were bound by the boner-pact of Menelaus.
Patroclus
Patroclus was Achilles’ best friend and rumoured lover. Some suggest that their relationship was solely one of friendship; the film Troy even made them cousins to further dissuade the suggestion of homosexual love. Fact is, a sexual relationship between men was simply a part of masculine, military life in the late bronze age Aegean area, and for centuries onward.
In Patroclus’ youth he “accidentally” killed another boy over a game of dice. Fearing the worst, his father fled with him to Phthia, where Peleus, the father of Achilles, was king. Here in Phthia the boys first me,t and both were sent away to be taught by the centaur king, Chiron. Pretty good deal for killing a dude.
During the Trojan War when Achilles refused to fight or lead his men, Patroclus begged to wear Achilles’ armour and take command. Achilles consented, and Patroclus was able to push the Trojans all the way back to the walls of Troy from the ships of the Greek forces. Everything was comin’ up Patroclus, but then he was stunned by Apollo and wounded by Euphorbus before the mighty Hector came along and dealt Patroclus his deathblow.
One last thing concerning Troy: the film has Achilles as many years Patroclus’ senior, when in the Iliad, Patroclus was the elder of the two friends/brothers-in-arms/star-cross’d-lovers.
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