By the Gods!

Perseus

Time to roll out yet another son of Zeus (too many to count). Today’s pleasure: the mighty Perseus!  Obviously the bolt-slinger was the father, but the mother of Perseus, Danae (a mortal princess) was a tough prize for old Zeusie to get at. Acrisius, king of Argos and father of Danae, had shut his daughter up in a bronze tower to avoid a prophecy suggesting her son would be his end. If there’s one lesson we should take away from Greek Myth, however, it’s that nothing can stop a horny Zeus. He visited her through a ceiling grate in the form of a golden shower, and knocked her up no problem. When lil’ Perseus popped out, a terrified Acrisius shut mother and son in a wooden chest and cast it on the sea, but the protection of Zeus was enough to bring them safely to Seriphos, where Perseus grew up among fishermen. Good, simple folk.

Once he was a grown-ass man, Perseus was tasked by the local ruler, Polydectes, to fetch the head of the Gorgon Medusa. For those who professed to crave continued life, this was a bad deal. Perseus learned from the Graiae, three old hags, all about Medusa: that she could turn you to stone with her eyes, and that she was an all-around ass-butt, besides. Luckily for P-man, Athena hated Medusa more than most, and offered her assistance. Perseus was hooked up with a cap of invisibility, winged shoes from Hermes, and a bag for the gorgon’s head. Using his shield’s reflection to track her movements, Perseus cut Medusa’s ugly ol’ head off, and put it in the legendary sack. 

The magic head and magic sack were put to good use on his trip home, helping save the beautiful Andromeda from a sea monster, and turning a few jerks to stone who stood in Perseus’ way. He and Andromeda then returned to Danae, gave the magic gear back to Hermes, and got hitched. Poor old Acrisius, still in a constant state of fear-induced-diarrhea, eventually saw the prophecy fulfilled when a disc thrown by Perseus during a competition flew wide and beaned him in the head, killing him. 

Athena placed both Perseus and Andromeda in the sky as constellations after their deaths, in honour of their exploits.

Helen

Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships. Heard of her? Of course you have. Like most Greek characters with defining attributes, Helen was the daughter of a god and a mortal: Zeus and Leda. Leda had the pleasure of fornication with a Zeus in swan-form. She then produced an egg, and Helen was hatched. Don’t you just love the Greeks?!

Like all good damsels, Helen was susceptible to abduction at a young age. Theseus and Pirithous had the brilliant idea that, because they were semi-divin,e their wives should be, too. Pirithous set his sights on Persephone, but a goddess wasn’t about to mar condescend quite that far down. Theseus, who set his sights on a slightly more attainable prize, managed to grab Helen and left her with his mother Aethra. While Theseus and Pirithous were in the underworld trying to capture the Hades’ Queen, Helen’s brothers Castor and Pollux rescued her and captured Aethra in vengeance. Some say at this time Helen was 7-10 years old, however with Theseus, Helen gave birth to Iphigeneia. So maybe she was a touch older, like 13-15. If not, gross, Theseus. 

After that, it was time for merry men from all over to come and seek the hand of beautiful Helen. Menelaus sent Agamemnon to represent him, and Odysseus put his name in the ring, but brought no gift as he did not believe he could win her hand (that, and he was jonesin’ for Icarius’s daughter Penelope). Helen’s daddy was afraid to pick anyone ‘cause he didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings (is anyone else noticing a theme of wussiness when it comes to the stories surrounding the Trojan War?); I suppose it’s also possible that he feared the repercussions of denying powerful men. Odysseus came up with the idea that all suitors pledge allegiance to the winner. Menelaus was chosen, and now you know why everyone went to war with Troy over the kidnapping of Helen: They were bound by the boner-pact of Menelaus.