By the Gods!

Tlaloc is one of my personal favourite gods within my personal favourite cultural mythology. Nobody can deny that the Aztecs were some of history’s greatest badasses - and they have the gods to prove it. That and human sacrifice. Also, Tlaloc has probably the most kickass garb of any god ever. He is usually depicted wearing goggles (one of my aesthetically favoured accessories) and he has fangs.

Tlaloc is an interesting case because he is a god of rain, fertility and a god who was salubrious - but he could also be kind of a withholding dick.

What Tlaloc giveth, Tlaloc can taketh away. And taketh away hard.

See, Tlaloc could bring rain and fertility, but also hail, thunder, and diseases like leprosy and rheumatism.

When Tlaloc was pissed enough to unleash leprosy and disease and hardship, there was a simple solution: Human sacrifice.

But not your run-of-the-mill cut open your ribcage and rip out your heart while it was still beating so you could see it before you died sacrifice that the Aztecs usually did. Tlaloc only wanted children. Crying children, to be specific.

So when Tlaloc got all angry and frowny behind his ass-kicking steampunk goggles, priests would round up some kids and, in order to have a successful Tlaloc-appeasing sacrifice, the kids were made to cry. (Yeah, what a surprise. Priests traumatizing children.) The more the kids cried, the more Tlaloc was appeased.

So, behold Tlaloc - one of my favourite dudes who could only be pleased by having traumatized children killed for him. Best ever or best ever?

The rituals pertaining to those who died in water (from drowning) or other Tlaloc-related deaths (see: struck by lightning), and strangely enough those stunted in growth, are interesting because those who died tied to Tlaloc were not cremated as was customary in Aztec culture, but instead buried with blue paint on their foreheads and seeds in their faces. They were also dressed in paper and buried holding a digging stick for planting.

Tlaloc: demands crying children to be killed, and wants plants to grow out of your dead face.

What is there not to love?

Tlaloc

Tlaloc was an important deity in pre-Aztec and Aztec religion, and was a major mesoamerican deity in general. He was a god of rain, fertility, and water. Most of the time he was a pretty nice guy, providing life and sustenance, soothing rains and healing waters, though he had a dark side and was feared for his ability to send hail, thunder and lightningstorms to earth. He was recognized in depictions for his goggle-like eyes and fangs. Child sacrifices were always a plus for ol’ Tlaloc, as with many mesoamerican gods. 

In Aztec cosmology, the four corners of the universe are marked by “the four Tlalocs,” which hold up the sky. Our Tlaloc was the lord of the third sun (yes, there were three at one point) which was destroyed by fire. Guess these guys didn’t pick the right sun lord… just let it get destroyed like that? Lazy.

Quetzalcotl

A Mesoamerican deity first documented around 400 BCE, Quetzalcoatl is a feathered serpent worshipped as a god of the winds and the dawn. He was the patron god of Aztec priesthood, learning, and knowledge. Along with Tlaloc, Tezcatlipoca and Huitzilopochtli (don’t ask me to pronounce any of them), Quetzalcotl is one of the principal deities in the Aztec pantheon.

A feathered serpent deity has been worshipped by many different ethno-political groups in Mesoamerican history. Is this hard evidence that there in fact was a flying feathered snake in Mesoamerica? I can say, with confidence, yes there was. 

(No, there wasn’t.)

He was considered the god of the morning star, and his twin brother, Xolotl, was the evening star. He was accredited with the invention of books and the calendar, and giving corn to mankind. Thanks, Quetzalcotl!