By the Gods!

Helen

Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships. Heard of her? Of course you have. Like most Greek characters with defining attributes, Helen was the daughter of a god and a mortal: Zeus and Leda. Leda had the pleasure of fornication with a Zeus in swan-form. She then produced an egg, and Helen was hatched. Don’t you just love the Greeks?!

Like all good damsels, Helen was susceptible to abduction at a young age. Theseus and Pirithous had the brilliant idea that, because they were semi-divin,e their wives should be, too. Pirithous set his sights on Persephone, but a goddess wasn’t about to mar condescend quite that far down. Theseus, who set his sights on a slightly more attainable prize, managed to grab Helen and left her with his mother Aethra. While Theseus and Pirithous were in the underworld trying to capture the Hades’ Queen, Helen’s brothers Castor and Pollux rescued her and captured Aethra in vengeance. Some say at this time Helen was 7-10 years old, however with Theseus, Helen gave birth to Iphigeneia. So maybe she was a touch older, like 13-15. If not, gross, Theseus. 

After that, it was time for merry men from all over to come and seek the hand of beautiful Helen. Menelaus sent Agamemnon to represent him, and Odysseus put his name in the ring, but brought no gift as he did not believe he could win her hand (that, and he was jonesin’ for Icarius’s daughter Penelope). Helen’s daddy was afraid to pick anyone ‘cause he didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings (is anyone else noticing a theme of wussiness when it comes to the stories surrounding the Trojan War?); I suppose it’s also possible that he feared the repercussions of denying powerful men. Odysseus came up with the idea that all suitors pledge allegiance to the winner. Menelaus was chosen, and now you know why everyone went to war with Troy over the kidnapping of Helen: They were bound by the boner-pact of Menelaus.