By the Gods!

Paris

Paris is the reason we have Rome, in a very roundabout way. If he didn’t cause the destruction of Troy by stealing Helen, then Aeneas wouldn’t have left the broken city for greener pastures, eventually founding the city of Rome, as the story goes, care of Virgil and his Aeneid. Well done Paris, you big pansy!

Paris is known as being the biggest wuss in history. He was the son of Priam and Hecuba of Troy, and the night before his birth, Hecuba dreamt that she gave birth to a burning torch. She went to an oracle to ask “WTF is up with this dream!?” and the oracle told Hecuba that her son would bring the downfall of Troy. Apparently she was fine with that, ‘cause she kept the little pansy instead of flinging him off a cliff like any good Greek mother would’ve done.

After that, I’m sure you all know the story. Golden apple, Paris chooses Aphrodite (stupidly), gets Helen, starts a war. Runs away from battle. Kills Achilles (in an extra-wussy way). Gets killed by Philoctetes. Helen goes home with hubby, Menelaus. The End.